Church Cliques Rule: time for change

Clique: (klēk,klik )

n.      a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them.

                I feel like the definition above needs the word “Church” before it. How ever much we preach evangelism and are all happy when someone new starts coming to church, their experience is almost always somewhat different than we assume. No matter how big our Bible study grows or how great the worship team sounds, there are lonely people among us.

Benjamin L Corey from pathos.com writes: “ issues that led me to walk away from church as twenty-year-old, and still tempt me to walk out again some days– even though I’m not 20 anymore...When people can’t find community, can’t plug-in or access meaningful relationships, they split in hopes they’ll find it somewhere else...Social climbing is simply how I would describe the phenomena where people have to acquire a certain amount of “social credit” with the people of influence before they can serve and be included. As a result, the popular folks at church amass followers, and power. Such a system requires you to play the “game” with people of influence if you want to be a fully included member of the group (leading to the formation of cliques).”

This is such a huge issue in the church today that needs to be broken. I don’t mean just bent in half, I mean smashed to pieces with lit fuel on top and an incinerator to put any left-over shards into!

For someone like myself, it’s easy to fall into this trap. I’ve always been a likable person and being a pastor’s daughter has always backed me with an instant upstanding (or at least educated) reputation in the church. Even after life finds me in a church with someone else as pastor, I have to admit to using that P.K. (Pastor’s Kid) “card” to my advantage when I feel like I need more weight to a word or deed. I’m constantly finding myself torn by putting myself into the social circus of church and then wanting to pull away because I’m starting to see the “circus” for what it is, a platform for pride a drama. It’s too easy to create a circle to chat in and forget about someone standing in the corner. And I’m not trying to kid myself into thinking these “platforms” are just built in churches, humans thrive on them in schools, workplaces and other groups – it seems second nature to us...sin nature.

Keeping within the biblical realm, we have to look at the example of the Pharisee: They were very religious, committed, and knowledgeable. These guys were no small group and no lights under a bushel (and I’m sure some of them were lights – setting a good example for those around them...but with much popularity comes power...and with power, much selfishness). They gained respect for looking humble...but of course there were many who were only displaying humility and commitment in order to be noticed and followed, thus omitting the whole purpose of humility. These guys are the PRIME example of what NOT TO BECOME for us avid church-goers! Is it not so obvious for us to keep reminding ourselves to be careful not to use our church status? It’s wonderful to be dedicated to teaching that Sunday School class, singing on the worship team and always being reliable for putting on that hot pot of coffee before service. It’s admirable to know your Bible inside and out and to be able to put together words in a beautiful, clear way to make a point during discussion.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. – 1 Cor 12: 27&28

These are good things! We are not supposed to be so humble and modest that we put our gifts on a shelf to let them rot while we are satisfied that no one can accuse us of being prideful or showy. Using the gifts God has given us is part of our duty as part of the body of Christ and is commanded of us by God. It all boils down to a matter of keeping pride & motives in check.

A second biblical example that we can parallel is looking at the lessons that the disciples had to learn while they were around Jesus. Here was a group of guys who were doing good, learning, working hard and trying to live rightly...it would have been wonderful to spend their years with Christ in learning and hanging out and reveling in godliness on their own, but Jesus kept hanging out with outsiders! How easy it would have been to point out the flaws of the tax collectors and prostitutes, never mind the spiritual danger of being around them. What about their reputations? What about their valuable time? The following verse is so easy to read...but when I think about applying it, it scares me to death!

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves – Phil 2:3

These words seem to have a ball of “sacrifice” and chain of “work” dragging behind it...but how beautiful would it be to master this mentality?

How does one be involved in the church >> making sure their involvement ISN’T creating an impenetrable group?

I see two groups forming in the church: the active (and unfortunately often the exclusive) & the inactive (or the outsiders) First of all, this is not a “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” scenario. It’s perfectly clear that in order for someone to find a place to fit and, in turn, use their gifts in the body of Christ, the Chicken has their duty first. Chicken(s) need to know that if they don’t start seeing eggs in the hen-house, quality life will only be short-term. Chicken(s) need to be responsible for making sure the eggs have a nest to stay secure and warm. Chicken(s) need to create opportunities for eggs to hatch and grow into nurturing chickens themselves. Too much poultry? If we were obeying God’s Word, we would be seeing nobody on the outside. Not all gifts are used publically, but church was not meant to have loneliness be a part of it. It is all about togetherness.

A few years back there was a new family that started to attend my church. I was 19. I saw a mother who would come to service wearing a shirt with one shoulder strap and a low back. I saw two children who would run in the halls and raise too much noise right before a service. I saw a father who didn’t have ambition for a job. I saw a couple of smokers and a family clad in thrift store specials. My parents (pastor and wife) invested many hours in this family. They had them over for meals often, visiting their home, drove them to church, bought them groceries, drove them to and from city appointments two hours away and dropped their plans to be there when crisis struck. One day my Dad sat talking with me and shared how he was so disappointed in the people of the church. Nobody had bothered to invest in this family. No other invites for meals and individuals expressed their hesitancy to help the family with their needs when the parents were smokers. I listened to my Dad describe the selfishness he saw in the congregation and at the same time he was describing me. After our conversation, I could see a mother who was wearing her best to try and fit in, children who enjoyed learning in Sunday School and playing with other kids, a father who had no vehicle and no opportunities for work outside of shoveling sidewalks nearby. After a while, the family slowly attended services less and less. When my parents moved they never came back.

It’s not just about old teaching the young or mature teaching immature - it’s about the family who came last week for the first time, the neighbour’s kids that need a ride, the divorced woman sitting alone in the pew in front of you. It’s not about having a following. A person has to be so careful not to be motivated by selfish ambition. Every move we make needs to be made in Christ. We need to be every prayerful about all we do, want to do, don’t want to do – big or small.

Investment/Overinvestment would be a long topic for another day...what is on my heart is creating opportunities to include others: Chat with that other mom after Bible study before she heads out the door. When there are a few standing in a tight circle, purposefully opening your corner when you notice someone standing aimlessly in your peripheral. This is not just for those who are newly in our community, I think we would be SHOCKED if we actually bothered to look around and see the people who feel like an outsider that have been part of our church for YEARS. Is there a teenager who loves children? Maybe there’s an opportunity for her to co-teach with a class. Is there a middle-aged lady with no obvious connection with those around her? Maybe a girls movie night (or afternoon) in your home is in order! Think about another couple you could invite over when “the gang” comes over.

I so desire to see the ruling walls of cliques crumble in our churches. We’d love others in the world so much better if only we could work on loving each other. I want those walls torn down in our homes, barbeques and coffee times. I pray that we would see the church thrive on the design of community and openness with each other – bonded with love and unity. This generation needs to get rid of loneliness. This generation needs Christ. Let church be a place to find both.

Facing My Fears in Today's Church - Part 1

Introduction. I grew up in a wonderful home. My parents were new believers when I came into this world and they set an enthusiastic example of parents creating a family beaming with love for Christ and buzzing with action that followed suit. Some of my earliest memories are things like dressing warm on a cold day to go door-to-door and deliver The Jesus Video with a group from church, my mother doing my makeup before our whole family went on stage to help with the Easter performance at the Jubilee auditorium in Edmonton, the whole family going to the church for kids club where my parents helped teach as my sister and I went with our appropriate age groups to learn. I remember having families and people from our church visit us in our home and us visiting them in their homes...and not on a Sunday! These fellow believers we saw at church became our close family friends we spent time with throughout the week too. In 1993, my Dad turned in his auto body business, hung up his coveralls and moved our family to Three Hills, Alberta to attend Bible school there. Five years later our family stepped into our very first mission church and started the “Pastor’s family” life.

When someone says “Pastor’s family”, I have two words to translate that: Fish. Bowl.

If there’s one thing the child of a pastor knows, it’s that everyone is watching. All sceptical eyes are on you in church and afterwards. There is no room for mistakes or ill behaviour, or that pink telephone sitting on top of the television box will let out a loud ring and the voice on the other end of the line will unleash devastation into your mother’s ear. I embraced my position as the goldfish and was generally a good child. I wouldn’t do this (in case someone was watching) and I wouldn’t wear that (in case someone didn’t approve) and I wouldn’t say it in that way (in case someone was easily offended).

Now, in reality, maybe I really shouldn’t do this or wear that or say it in that way, but my whole motivation for behaviour was entangled in a big messy fear for people-pleasing. Where were my thoughts of my Lord? My moral judgment was based on the scary faces that stared at me instead of my motives staring at the face of the Omniscient Judge. This has led to a life-struggle with my own motivation. There is no pleasing God in pleasing others, there is only pleasing God in pleasing Him, that other’s may see it.

Afraid to not please. Why is it that we as humans have this fear of not pleasing people? Or maybe even a fear of not making other’s think we’re the greatest?

Fear (noun) : an unpleasant emotion caused by being aware of danger : a feeling of being afraid : a feeling of respect and wonder for something very powerful (verb): to be afraid of : to expect worry about : to be afraid and worried

Fear synonyms: alarm, anxiety, dread, fearfulness, fright, horror, panic, scare, terror, trepidation, bother, worry, fret, fuss, stew, stress, sweat, trouble

Take a look at these definitions of fear. Anything words stand out? Try a few in the blank space below:

_________________________ in today’s church.

Not very fitting is it?

This is a fear with warn and etched corners that have done their share of digging into my peace and trust and my motivation. This is a fear that comes from not knowing what people will think or how they will react. This insecurity that sees us glance at the faces around us when we open our mouths in order to search for approval in their eyes and in their gestures. An ongoing strain to think of some witty word or educated answer to win over any face not offering the signal we were hoping for. This fear overtakes us as we stand in a circle of women after church, when an answer is asked for at Bible study or when we are pressed into a conversation in a grocery store aisle with an all-put-together someone who usually rubs us the wrong way. Some of us are great pretenders. We develop a knack for keeping conversation going, leaving no room for any retaliating words that may contain rebuttal. We learn to stand tall when our insides are shrinking. We master the carefree smile we need to wear to hide the huge weight inside that carries the troubles of our imperfect life. Others, however, may turn to criticism of everyone and everything around them, resourcing them as a step to stand on to look like they’re a head above the rest. Some turn to inward criticism that they dramatize for all to take notice in hopes that other’s will look on them with more pity than judgement. Some turn to inward criticism and don’t let anyone notice, leaving themselves as bate for the grizzly bear of depression. Despite the popularity of these strategies, none of these sound like any good  way to deal with the problem.

What is the right response when we find ourselves afraid? What reaction does Christ expect when this ugly facet of fear comes slicing through our day like the point of a perfectly-aimed dart by the evil one?

Gal 6:4 Let everyone be sure to do his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work done well and won’t need to compare himself with someone else. LB

Striving to do good without comparing ourselves to others is a toughie. Some of us will take the rout of looking at all of the wonderfully talented and smart people around us and crawl back into our hole of timid idleness, accomplishing nothing for ourselves or for God. Fear beats us down and makes us forget that we are Christ’s. We are children of the living God with God-given abilities that are far beyond our own.

 Others stuck with this fear will take the opportunity for a little self-boasting and decide to climb up on their high-horse, because in their eyes they’ve won the comparison and are ready to elevate THEMSELVES, and in Jesus’ name no less! A portion of these will be able to hide their fearfulness even from themselves with the chronic arrogance they carry, whereas the other portion are made up of fear-driven pretenders with fear driving them only to masquerade as qualified.
This comment struck a chord as I read it: “...It is very common for a man to look upon himself as wiser and better than other men, and as fit to dictate to them. Such a one deceives himself; by pretending to what he has not, he puts a cheat upon himself, and sooner or later will find the sad effects. This will never gain esteem, either with God or men.” (Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary)

Fear can drive us to pretend. Pretending to be an awesome, smart, talented Christian gets us nowhere.

Gal 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ – ESV

The word “please” here comes from the Greek word aresko, meaning : I please, with the idea of willing service rendered to others; hence almost : I serve. (Strong's Concordance)

This word gives the air of winning someone’s favour in meeting THEIR expectations (especially in moral standards).

The same word is used again in Thessalonians

1 Thess 2:4 But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts - ESV

The number one thing we need to get straight in our heads right now is that we are supposed to be pleasing our heavenly Father; not the people we pass on the street, not the pastor of our church, not the ladies organizing the potluck, not the parents of our Sunday School students. If our fear is driving us to try to make it on our peer’s moral level, we’ve got to cut off our objectives that strive to meet their expectations. Examine our motives! Dig way down into the truest part of our souls and ask ourselves who we really bother to give our service to. Service is great, don’t get me wrong...God wants us to have servant attitudes and actions...but (capital B-U-T!) He wants us to serve HIM and glorify HIS name. Maybe you are exactly where you’re supposed to be serving; you just need a focus adjustment to get God as your prime focus. On the other hand, perhaps as too many of us are, you have been so busy giving your services to please others in all of the wrong places that you’ve been ignoring the spot the Lord has been patiently waiting for you to come to all along.

In 1 Timothy Paul writes a beautiful letter to a young man. A letter to uphold him, encourage him, advise and instruct him. We read in chapter four Paul’s call for Timothy to be an example; a model for others to see. He is not called to please others, but to be a figure that is God-pleasing.

 1 Tim 4:12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity - NIV

There is no denying that we are watched. I am not arguing that we have no reason to take note when we walk into a room full of brothers and sisters, sad as it is, that feel they have the right to analyze and judge the amount of goodness we are wearing. The point is, we SHOULD be putting on our robes of speech purged of evil, righteous conduct, unending love, unwavering faith, and genuine purity...but we should be wearing them for our King. There is no one else worth dressing in our best for.

Let’s try this one:

(Holy) Fear (noun     : a feeling of respect and wonder for something very powerful

 : reverence

...in today’s church.

It makes a perfectly fit replacement, doesn’t it?